Three nuns seeking admission to Heaven are greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informs them that admission is not automatic and that they must pass a brief quiz.
"Who was the first man on Earth?" St. Peter asked the first nun.
"Oh, that's easy," she replied, "it was Adam."
With that, the bells rang and the lights flashed and the gates opened, and the nun was ushered into heaven.
Turning to the second nun, St. Peter inquired, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
"Oh, that's an easy one too," she replied. "The answer is Eve."
Once again, the bells rang, the lights flashed, and the second nun was ushered into heaven.
Finally, turning to the third nun, St. Peter asked, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The nun paused. "Gee," she eventually replied, "that's a hard one ..."
The bells rang, the lights flashed, the gates opened ....
Q. What's the difference between Marv Albert and Sharon Stone?
A. Marv is the one wearing the panties.
[My thanks to William "Art" Wells for this one]
Definition of a consultant: A man who knows 999 different positions for making love but doesn't know any women.
Definition of a consultant: A person who, when you ask what time it is, asks if he can borrow your watch.
Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to change the bulb and two to share in the experience.
Q. How many W.A.S.P.S. does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the bulb and one to mix the martini.
Lawyer dies suddenly at the height of his career. He is greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter and complains that he has been stricken down at the prime of life, just as he was about to reach the pinnacle of his career, with good prospects of being appointed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
"We don't see it that way," replies St. Peter. "In our view, you were taken rather late in life. It seems that here in heaven we measure time somewhat differently than you on Earth."
"How is that?" asked the lawyer.
"Well," answered St. Peter, "based on the number of hours you have billed your clients, we figure you are over 100 years old by now."
Q. What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A. The bad news is that ninety-nine percent of the time, you get an onion with long ears, but the good news is that one percent of the time you get an ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Q. How are linoleum floors like men?
A. Lay them right once and you can walk all over them forever.
An aging veterinarian was seeking to hire an assistant to help him with his practice. After interviewing dozens of applicants without success, he was beginning to despair when the Dean of his Veterinary College called to recommend the top student in the graduating class to him. The Dean recommended this person so highly that our veterinarian offered the candidate the job sight unseen.
On the day the new assistant was to start, our vet was growing somewhat impatient when a young lady walked in to his office and announced that she was the person whom the Dean had recommended. The vet's disappointment, near despair, was written across his face. "No girl can handle this job," he thought to himself. Believing he could intimidate the girl into resigning, he began to patronize her unmercifully.
Needing to attend to a sick bull on a nearby farm, the Vet instructed his assistant to follow him to his car. As they were driving to the farm, our Vet told the young lady she was to observe him carefully, learn his techniques, and remain absolutely silent while he attended to the bull.
"I'm sure you will have many questions," he noted with a patronizing tone, "but please keep them to yourself until we return to the office. Then, you can ask anything you like." With some embarrassment, he continued, "It's hard to describe this case delicately for the ears of a young lady. The problem we have here is that a stud bull is not willing to attend to his duties with the heifers."
When they arrived at the farm, they could see the bull standing at one side of the pasture with his head down, looking very glum. At the other side of the pasture stood several young heifers, looking quite eager to please. Signalling to his assistant to remain silent, the Vet walked up to the bull, looked it closely in the eyes, walked slowly around the bull in a complete circle, stopped in front of the bull once again, and plucked a single hair from the middle of the bull's forehead.
The bull seemed to perk up slightly, but remained generally uninterested in the heifers. The vet walked completely around the bull a second time, stopped in front, and plucked another hair from the middle of the bull's forehead.
This time, the bull looked noticeably improved, pawing the ground and looking around with at least modest interest.
The vet circled the bull a third time, stopped in front, and plucked one more hair from the middle of its forehead.
The bull pawed the ground several times and took off across the pasture, heading straight for one of the heifers. The Vet, enormously pleased with himself, brushed off his hands and walked back towards his car, signalling silence once again to his assistant.
The two drove back to the office in silence. Once they reached the office, the Vet, fully expecting that the young assistant would be bursting with questions, asked, "Now, do you have any questions?"
"No," answered the young woman.
"None at all?" asked the Vet, unable to control his disappointment.
"None at all," she answered.
"Didn't you learn anything at all today?" asked the Vet dejectedly.
"Oh yes, I did learn one thing," answered the young woman.
"What was that?" asked the Vet more hopefully.
"I learned today why so many men are bald headed," she answered.
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Last updated October 31, 1997